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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Sharing my story

About a month ago, I was given the opportunity to share my story with those I work with. It's taken me some time to complete this post, as has been the case lately.  I don't want to go into too much detail about what type of organization it is, but thousands of people could potentially read what I had to write.  I sat and thought long and hard about what I would want to say. My story could be long, or it could be short.  And then I got to thinking, have I really shared all there is about me on here?  It is MY blog after all and maybe I have censored myself a little bit.  But honestly, what do people really want to know about me that I haven't already shared?  Oh wait... my past.  Have I really said all I can say about who I used to be?

I got called fat a lot. And I believed I was. It wasn't uncommon for my parents' friends to tell me I was fat or chubby each and every time they saw me.  Looking back now, I was normal, or just like other girls around me.  I just wasn't stick thin.  During high school I did gain weight and I blame that on having a job and having a boyfriend.  When we first started dating, I was 16 and didn't eat red meat, it would take me a while to eat lots of food.  But suddenly it seemed I was surrounded by food a lot.  I worked in a grocery store, we had open lunch and didn't have to eat in the school cafeteria, and I had my own money to spend.  When he and I finally broke up during my sophomore year of college, he even told me that he liked girls who had better bodies than me.  Yeah, that sucked.  During the 3 years we were together, I had gained over 50 pounds.  The first month after we broke up, I dropped over 20 pounds and I wanted to lose more!  Eventually I did and was at my lowest during my Junior year of college.  I would often go to the fitness center or go for a run when I didn't want to study.  My friends and I had planned a spring break trip and of course we had to look good.

But I realize, back then I wasn't losing weight to be healthy, as I am trying to do now.  I did it to be a person I thought I would be happy as.  I wanted to be that girl that walked into a place and turned heads, that girl guys would to talk to instead of talking to another girl.  I wanted to wear super cute clothes and grab anything off the rack.  And I was that girl for a couple years, having fun and meeting new people.

That's not me now.  I want to be healthy both mentally and physically.  I want my kids to know good choices as they grow up, and I hope they don't ever have to struggle with weight as I have.  And I want anyone who reads this to know, that it's not easy... but it's not that hard either. And sometimes sharing our stories keep us grounded and remind us.  I needed to be reminded why I even began in the first place and why I keep going.  I'm not even close to being done, but when I want to give up or get lazy, I go back to reading my story that I shared.

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